Poop!

My need to articulate through the keyboard via email has been reduced by 83% a recent study shows. This change is due to my new outlet: blogging. It's like methadone for an email junkie. And to tell you the truth, this is way better! I get to format the template the way I like and add links and all kinds of stuff. Furthermore, I technically have a worldwide audience now instead of my limited email list. I'm really psyched about this whole service and the fact that it's free makes it the perfect activity for my overactive mind.

As I sit here I am breathing a sigh of relief having feared my site was going to be shut down due to the bad language and some of the content after being denied access to my account last night due to a "Blogger Audit" of sorts. Looks as though all is fine and up to specks so let the truth telling proceed!
I decided that today's post should be about admiration. When was the last time you told someone you admired them? When was the last time you were told by someone that they admired you? I admire a lot of people. Some are famous like Gandhi and others are virtually unheard of like my flatmate. She's the oldest of 6 and all her siblings all have kids and a significant other. Nobody told her to do well in school or to get into college and graduate. In fact her experience was quite the opposite. One of my own half-brothers has had this same admirable path in his own life. The other night as I sat and enjoyed my drink I decided it was time to pay a compliment to the woman I share an apartment and working space with. I told her I admired her for doing what she's done with her life in spite of her parents' low expectations. I think she appreciated it as she should. It's a good idea when you're around someone you don't necessarily like that much to try and find something you DO like about them.

Who do you admire?

Sometimes I think I was made for the life of a traveler. Always surrounded by people yet always alone. It compounds the situation when no one speaks the same language as you. It's easy to get lost in the endless stream of stimuli. It can seem disorienting but if you can work your brain matter around in such a way as to accept the the dizzying stream it becomes almost hypnotic and dare I say fun! Don't get me wrong, frustration and resulting emotions are around every corner but if you're heads on right that day it can be quite amusing. Letting go of that need or want for control is outside many peoples' comfort level including mine most of the time. I've known a person or two who are completely at ease letting someone else take the wheel. Those people are fun because they let me do what I want but in hindsight they're also to envy in a way. To just be able to let go like that. What a thrill!!! No doubt it can get you in trouble if you let the wrong person take the wheel and I'm sure those people have had their share of troubles but I bet they've had a lot of fun too. I guess we need to find an equilibrium which allows us to sometimes let go but not foolishly, with the wrong person or at the wrong time. I once had a little epiphany that no matter what, everything was gonna be okay. Something to think about.

Talking about what I want isn't an indicator of what or how hard I pursue it. I see women lookin' good but I hardly ever do anything but look. Can't catch fish without string and bait. I'm your aquarium type of guy. Satisfied to just look through the thick glass and just watch them swim around. I'm so used to the aquarium view that it seems almost foreign to me to go topside and try to catch them. And if I did catch one I wouldn't want to hurt it unless it was a real bastard and bit me or something. I've done some fishing and helped fillet the delicious meat for frying and boy was it good but it's so much easier to just look through the glass at the aquarium or better yet go to the local Captain D's and just buy the shit. I'm lazy. I guess I see it as an equation that is out of balance. On one side, you have the pros of having a hot ass female to keep you company and fulfill your desires. On the other side you have a lot of energy, money and time being taken away from you in order to be a good boyfriend or husband. I've had a serious relationship and I put everything I had into it. In the end all it did was leave me feeling bad and low. I reacted by learning how to be happy with and by myself; without being dependent on someone else for my own happiness. As a result of this survival technique I've slowly been perfecting for several years now, I make frequent trips to the aquarium. I like it there.

I reflect on my statements regarding my pursuit of women with large tits and it dawns on me that I must seem incredibly shallow to you, the reader. I'm fully aware that once you find that special someone that they're beautiful regardless of their imperfections or lack of cleavage. I wanted to go on the record to let it be known that I am aware of this fact. I'd also like to defend the use of four letter words. I think they add color to paintings I draw whenever I open my mouth or write something. I use big words too so this myth that only stupid people use foul language is just that: a myth. Some people don't know how to do it well or they do it at the wrong times but I am very skilled in how and when I use bad language. I've not always been so skilled but practice makes perfect! I've done a lot of traveling both at home and abroad. I've found that different parts of the United States respond differently to "dirty" words. I have to say that the south is without a doubt the most uptight about using colorful language. I think it has to do with a lot of them being Christians. They don't call it the bible belt for nothin'. If you happen to be the type who doesn't like four letter words I'd like to appeal to your better judgment and say that they're just some letters strung together just like any other word. Words only have power if you give them power. Some people are too sensitive in my opinion. Have a great weekend!

I'd just like to tell the critics of the world to go get a degree in psychology before they start spouting all their uneducated opinions on this or that. People consider themselves to be such experts when it comes to figuring somebody they don't like out. I think their opinions are largely and often fueled by jealousy and envy. I know because I do it myself. We all do I'm pretty sure. Nonetheless, it's annoying and hurtful as hell sometimes when you're the victim of it. You just want to slap them and tell them to mind their own goddamn business but they'll just look at you and remind you that it's a free country. People twist shit around to make themselves look better in the eyes of others and to themselves. They don't even realize they're doing it I'm convinced. Does that make them innocent? Absolutely not. Whether a person plows into someone else after falling asleep at the wheel or gets in their car and decides to go run over people they're still responsible for taking someone's life. What's more is that sometimes their 'innocent' criticisms really ruin the life of their target. It's a dirty messy game ya'll. Watch yer neck!

It dawns on me that some people act poorly completely on purpose. It's kind of a defense mechanism for some. I think it helps them maintain distance in their relationships with others. I recently learned that hookers, professional prostitutes, undergo a psychological change as they grow used to the lifestyle a hooker endures. It has to do with disengaging levels of sentiment that are naturally present in most humans. Sociopaths share this detached approach to the world with hookers. Neither feel true binding emotions to other people. Basic needs dominate these peoples' lives. Hunger for food and other things. Fear from a pimp or cops. Real animals they are. I've watched a large number of those 'Animals do the darndest things' shows and something they always reiterate is to never trust an animal because they'll do some unpredictable damaging shit from time to time. That Las Vegas dude with the tigers can tell you all about that. I'm sure he and that tiger have shared space for a LONG time but one day BOOM the tiger snaps and there goes the trust he thought they'd built. You gotta be careful these days if you ask me. Might get your feelings hurt or something far worse...

Here's an apology and resolution I received a few months ago. It really made my day. I should read it every once in awhile to remind myself that there are people who exist that know how to apologize.

"I am truly sorry for making you feel the ways you have dwelled on. I
will be perfectly happy to refrain from any further advice, analysis, or
listing my grievances. I wish only the best for you."

The question I'm left with is which is better, a complete refrain or the occasional insult in the line of relationship duty? To completely refrain leaves a hole where once there was something but to accept information may lead to other pains. It's a tough question and I think that something I have in common with the dude I quoted in the last paragraph is that too many things are seen in black and white, all or nothin'. I flatter myself by thinking about all the grey in the world but sometimes I'm pretty black and white my damn self. Something to meditate on if you ask me.

The pursuit of big tits takes a thing or two other than a fondness for them. A killer physique of my own and lots of cash are the things that pop into my mind first. I got neither unfortunately. I could work my ass off as I still may someday to have a kick ass body but then I might just become a boy toy and I don't play that. Besides, I'm shorter than a lot of American dudes so even if I was buff, ripped or otherwise lean and mean I'd still be that dude who ain't even 6 foot. The money situation is another catch 22. On one hand, if I had it all the time I could get me some kinky slut from the 7/11 and buy her some fake fun bags and that would solve that shit until she found somethin' better that is. I also imagine how disconcerting it must be for those fat old fuckers with tons of loot to have to realize that their sun and moon ain't nothin' but a money hungry slut. Wishing on a star seems like a good plan for me. Like winnin' the lottery or somethin'. Findin' a nice girl who likes me for who and what I am who also happens to have some nice breaseseses. Only time will tell. For those who wish the best for me, let's keep our titty squeezin' fingers crossed shall we???

You know, Jay-Z, the rapper, has a song called "99 problems but a bitch ain't one". What a lucky man!!!!!! I'd say nearly all my problems involve at least one bitch if not more. One of the problems is admittedly a lack of a bitch of my very own too. If only I were a NYC negro with money out the ass...ahhhhhhhhhhh. The truth is that women all but rule my life. Both the ugly and undesirable ones already in place and the ones I long to have a gratifying relationship with. I'm hung up on titties. I wonder if there's ever going to be a way around this fact. I'm afraid I'll be hittin' the strip clubs for whores for the rest of my life merely to fulfill my big titty fetish. Those bitches have little to offer but problems most of the time. I'm too old to find a good girl who fits the physique and isn't burdened with children from an earlier relationship. Though, if I am willing to be a step-dad, there are, I hear, many a young woman to choose from. I'll have to think that scenario over long and hard...if you get my drift...lol!

Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (NOT in a good way!)

Beutiful melons. Try not to droooool. 

"Hormode breast cream" I'll say!!!! 

Day 109:
I'm starving for a hug or some kind of affection. The guard said it'll be a long time before that happens again, if ever. The nerve! "I still have rights you know!" I should've said. I eat fish heads and maggot filled rice twice a day. My gums bleed nearly constantly. If I had a gun I don't know if I'd shoot myself or the guard. My cell mate lives in his head and only occasionally does he speak. He's attained enlightenment I think. He'll be dead soon. I wish there were mice but only cockroaches and spiders. I eat the cockroaches but just pick the legs off the spiders for amusement. 4 days ago I had a total of 8, yes 8 spider torsos all in a perfect little row. If I don't get their whole leg some of them kind of move around just a little bit and I have to put it back in the row with the others. They've dried up so now they're no fun anymore. I wonder if I can get the guard to drink from this puddle of piss that I've poisoned with the crushed up spider remains. I think he has a drinking fountain somewhere down that hall so my chances are miniscule at best. I wonder if he thinks about me when he goes home. When he's in the dark with his wife before he falls asleep, does he see my face in his mind? Can he smell the filth that is my life?

Shhhhhhhhhh. Shhhhhhh. There it is. Can you hear it? Be quiet, I'm trying to listen.

Ahhhhhhhh.

"I love what I do!" she said. "If you don't love what you're doing why do it?" he said. "I've never kept doing anything I don't like," she said.
Excuse me but I think these people live in a fairy land full of pixies and buttercups. A land that only exists for a lucky few. I think most people live in shit at least up to their knees. Some people even drown sometimes. There's a certain pride for having lived in shit for some period of time. At least I think there is when looked at retrospectively. I think there's a certain undeniable strength that is gained and realized. Survivors of Nazi concentration camps know about this to use a severe example. In fact, their example is SO incredibly harsh that it makes our complaints about our daily trudge seem silly and naive. Indeed, there have been people who have endured far worse than most of us will ever know. I heard one speaking one time and he said the secret is to never give up 'hope'. I heard once that the last thing to pop out of Pandora's box was hope too. I don't have a wife and children to support and live for so I am truly living on hope I'd say. To hear or read the news. To see my species accomplish things once thought impossible. I shouldn't complain so much but I still do.

Jealousy; what a fickle thing. To admit it exists will label you, in the minds of those you confide in, as having an unattractive personality disorder. This label may well prevent them from being friends with you any longer. I have, for some time, tried to use truthful expression as a way to expel negative feelings. I had a theory that if I articulately voiced my feelings, in this case of jealousy, that the world would understand and I would somehow feel better about it. I'm finding that this is not the case. People who are jealous may be more easily provoked to do something damaging and so for this good reason it is probably smart to avoid people who are the 'jealous type'. As a consequence of this truthful and time tested piece of advice my quest to expel the demons of jealousy by honestly and openly talking about them have hurt, not helped my cause. I feel that if I get it off my chest that I can avoid doing those things that the 'jealous type' do. But all I'm doing, in the eyes of my friends, is warning them. And believe me, they hear me loud and clear it would seem. What's even more frustrating about the whole thing is the smile some of them must get when they learn that I am jealous about this or that. It's the smile of a winner. Of an unsympathetic winner; and our culture never says anything is wrong with winning. In fact, winning is without a doubt one of the best reasons to smile by my calculations. So I try to appeal to the fact that they are my friend but to no avail. After all, the things I am jealous of are 9 times out of 10 things that they have no control of in the first place.
It's the same thing with power, to admit you want it labels you as an exaggerated version of your actual self in the eyes of others. But if you don't do something, like talk about how you want it, how will you ever get it?! These never ending issues and questions haunt me wherever I go and in whatever I do. Even during the 'good times' these issues are at the forefront of my grey matter. This is why I pursue my unadulterated, debaucherous happy activities preferably alone. It makes me seem incredibly antisocial I'm sure but it's the only sure way to have a good time without the problems introduced by the presence of another or others. The problem with that though is that when the party's over you're all alone and that's when the lonely truth sinks in and you wish you could find somebody who doesn't cause problems and someone who you can enjoy on all levels, all the time.


"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies." ~Elizabeth Bowen

I hate to sound preachy. I have NO religious affiliation whatsoever. Nor am I some commie hippy looking for Utopia. Sometimes, I like the cold. It gives me a reason to find things to laugh about. I ask myself daily recently: "Why does it have to be like this?". Why do there have to be opposing factions waging subtle battle both in my work place and at home? I have come to the realization that greed and survival have something to do with it but a better term for understanding the basis of this situation is 'control'. We all want to be in control. And I have to confess that if I were on the winning team I'd be relatively happy to go to work and come home and play my role, knowing that my team was in the lead and that everyday the battle was won. Unfortunately, I've been on the losing team for years now! Since I'm an analytical person, I look at this situation from a third person point of view and wonder why things are the way they are. Like I said, control is most likely a center piece for the wars that are waged. I can recall times when I had control and I can also remember fighting to maintain the control. So I am all too aware of the issue and how important it is to all parties involved. Losing control is a bad thing to see happen, let me tell you. But being subject to others' control is, in a way, worse. At stake is your pride, if you have it. Dealing with controlling people is easy enough but if you are locked into a situation where you are confronted with the dynamic 24/7 it starts to wear you down and make you angry! Anger leads to outbursts which make you look as though you need to have even more control exerted upon you by the powers that be. It's a sick cycle that makes me want to give up sometimes. And all in the name of MONEY! But that's a different story...

The vision of a fruitful life is stagnant in me. Don't get me wrong, it is still there but...
I wonder what it is about the world and me that makes things so obtuse so much of the time. Is it jealousy, greed, or survival of the fittest? Am I fooling myself when I look in the mirror? Is everyone? Is the transparency of this game we call life only evident to me? Where are my brothers and sisters who also see this game for what it really is? Perhaps they're all around me but rule #1: Don't help your fellow man, at least not me. What an uncooperative dynamic we have these days. I'd like to be able to say that it was different in the old days, before I was born, but in my heart I'm afraid it's always been this way. I have this ideal of communal understanding and communal healing but nobodies into that nowadays. The 60's gave birth to a number of such communities but nearly all of them failed within a decade or two. Usually these types of organizations get taken advantage of and exploited which drives them under and diminishes their resources leading to their ultimate demise. It's a shame, a real shame.
The world isn't perfect and neither am I. This mantra reminds me to not expect so much from my fellow carbon based life forms. Consequently, I am left feeling perpetually unfulfilled.

People always gotta sling shit don't they? That's the plague of a competitive system that creates minions of jealous nay sayers at everyone's back door. Where's my peace of mind? They don't say "RIP" for nothin'.