Sunday, March 13, 2005
Jealousy
Jealousy; what a fickle thing. To admit it exists will label you, in the minds of those you confide in, as having an unattractive personality disorder. This label may well prevent them from being friends with you any longer. I have, for some time, tried to use truthful expression as a way to expel negative feelings. I had a theory that if I articulately voiced my feelings, in this case of jealousy, that the world would understand and I would somehow feel better about it. I'm finding that this is not the case. People who are jealous may be more easily provoked to do something damaging and so for this good reason it is probably smart to avoid people who are the 'jealous type'. As a consequence of this truthful and time tested piece of advice my quest to expel the demons of jealousy by honestly and openly talking about them have hurt, not helped my cause. I feel that if I get it off my chest that I can avoid doing those things that the 'jealous type' do. But all I'm doing, in the eyes of my friends, is warning them. And believe me, they hear me loud and clear it would seem. What's even more frustrating about the whole thing is the smile some of them must get when they learn that I am jealous about this or that. It's the smile of a winner. Of an unsympathetic winner; and our culture never says anything is wrong with winning. In fact, winning is without a doubt one of the best reasons to smile by my calculations. So I try to appeal to the fact that they are my friend but to no avail. After all, the things I am jealous of are 9 times out of 10 things that they have no control of in the first place.
It's the same thing with power, to admit you want it labels you as an exaggerated version of your actual self in the eyes of others. But if you don't do something, like talk about how you want it, how will you ever get it?! These never ending issues and questions haunt me wherever I go and in whatever I do. Even during the 'good times' these issues are at the forefront of my grey matter. This is why I pursue my unadulterated, debaucherous happy activities preferably alone. It makes me seem incredibly antisocial I'm sure but it's the only sure way to have a good time without the problems introduced by the presence of another or others. The problem with that though is that when the party's over you're all alone and that's when the lonely truth sinks in and you wish you could find somebody who doesn't cause problems and someone who you can enjoy on all levels, all the time.
"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies." ~Elizabeth Bowen
It's the same thing with power, to admit you want it labels you as an exaggerated version of your actual self in the eyes of others. But if you don't do something, like talk about how you want it, how will you ever get it?! These never ending issues and questions haunt me wherever I go and in whatever I do. Even during the 'good times' these issues are at the forefront of my grey matter. This is why I pursue my unadulterated, debaucherous happy activities preferably alone. It makes me seem incredibly antisocial I'm sure but it's the only sure way to have a good time without the problems introduced by the presence of another or others. The problem with that though is that when the party's over you're all alone and that's when the lonely truth sinks in and you wish you could find somebody who doesn't cause problems and someone who you can enjoy on all levels, all the time.
"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies." ~Elizabeth Bowen
